Awkward choice of clothes?!  Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Nopants McCoy!  What-a you know about fashion?  I bet I could juggle all your knowledge with one hand tied behind my back!

Anyway, I guess you’re-a talking about the Wario and the Eggman, eh?  Well, as a matter of fact, we do have a little club!  We call it the Distinguished Gentlemen’s League of Mustachioed Gentlemen.  The only members currently are Waluigi, Wario, Eggman, and Shadow the Hedgehog!

Er… yeah.  It’s-a the long story.  Anyway, we had a little get together just the other day…

We all went to biking on our four-man tandem bicycle!  It was a grueling workout, but of course Waluigi got through it no sweat!  Wario, he was-a panting pretty hard by the end of it.  Something about those stubby legs of his I think.  We had a picnic after that, with some sandwiches we stole from a nearby deli.  Between Eggman and Wario though, me and Shadow hardly got a bite to eat!

The meeting got cut a bit short, because Wario got wind of some treasure that had just been discovered.  And by “got wind” I mean a newspaper blew into his face.  Shadow, he said he had to leave on “important business,” whatever that means.  So it was just me and Eggman.  We stopped by his base for a little bit, and then decided we’d go catch a baseball game.  Our favorite team, the Diamond City Backstabbers was-a playing!  Eggman, he brought that weird blue kid of his to watch the game.

Unfortunately, due to some lousy calls from the umpire and a lot of blatant cheating from the away team, which for some reason didn’t get called out, the Backstabbers lost.  Bah!  Why everybody gotta cheat against Waluigi, eh?

Other than that though, it was a pretty great day!  I bet you and your no pants are pretty envious, huh?  Too bad you haven’t got an ounce of “distinguished” or “gentleman” in your body!  Weh heh heh!

Oh, you mean this one?

Waluigi got this from the Mushroom Kingdom Police Department’s file footage of the night we got arrested.  The video, of course, was fully publicly available, and Waluigi didn’t do anything illegal for to get it!  Remember that!

And if you can’t remember that, remember Waluigi still got a few Bob-ombs lying around.

((OOC: This particular video comes from an old Mario Party commercial.  The commercial can be found here, and the gif itself was provided to me by my friend over at Ask Eggman.  In point of fact, he supplies many of the images for this blog.  I’ll answer questions about image sources to the best of my ability, though!))

Birthday time is over!  Waluigi gonna answer some questions now.

Oh, and if-a you wondering what I did after leaving my party, Waluigi went show jumping!

I got the first place trophy, AND-a the horse!  The hosts of the events didn’t seem to think I should take either, but it was Waluigi’s birthday, so what did they know?  I fought-a them off with the old one-two!  And a trampling horse!

So Waluligi put his new horse (not to mention “Waluig-ion”, that weird talking statue) out to pasture.  I’m-a gonna need to think of a name!  But later.  Now for questions!

Oh yeah!  Waluigi think-a this fantastic!  This-a the best statue I’ve ever seen!

 FOOLISH HUMAN.  UNIT: WALUIG-ION THINKS THAT THE ORGANIC WALUIGI IS OBSOLETE.  UNIT: WALUIG-ION WILL TAKE CONTROL OF WALUIGI TIME.  THIS UNIT WILL BE THE TRUE WALUIGI.

Weh heh heh!  I like-a you pluck.  Why don’t you go clean the Waluigi Pinball sign?  Waluigi got more birthday to go enjoy, so I’ll be back later!

Hey everybody!  Waluigi got a very special announcement!  Today is Waluigi’s birthday!  Just in case, you know, you were too stupid to read the title of this post.

Waluigi start his special day by going to the bakery and ordering a couple of cakes.  Normally I just eat them on the display case, but this year they set up a table for me in advance!  I was-a so happy I was moved to tears.  The other customers and the cleaning staff glared at me a lot less, too.  I guess they’re finally recognizing the glory that is Waluigi!

After that, I’ma run all the way to the nearest party I can find.  I kick in the door and tell-a them, “THIS IS WALUIGI’S PARTY NOW!”  They almost never let me join the party for some reason.  Sometimes they even kick me out.  Usually, though, they’re not-a too strong and I just kick them out of their house, then go to drink their punch and dance to their music.  Sometimes there’s even presents!

Waluigi gets bored after a while of that and goes to compete in the nearest sporting event he can find.  That’s my next step— Right now I’m still at my party.  Waluigi gonna keep you updated on what happens next, so don’t forget to check back!

Oh yeah!  Waluigi feel thinner already!  This a way better workout regimen than going to the gym every day!  Thanks for the tip, Anon!

ask-theblueblur:

thanks for trying, doc

Quick!  Give it a compliment!

Oh, you got-a no idea, Noface Giuseppe!  Let Waluigi break it down for you…

But first, Waluigi gotta give an NSFW warning!  Explicit lyrics ahead, so don’t let the kiddies watch!

Ah, you wanna to know about Waluigi’s mustache, eh?  Pretty distinguished, isn’t it?  It’s part of my charm, after all!  My natural beauty goes a long way, but the mustache is the icing on the Waluigi cake!

Well, I’d like-a to say that it’s just naturally that way, but that’s not quite true…

It need-a special care, especially in the mornings. And sometimes the rigors of this harsh world get to Waluigi, and his mustache takes the penalty!  Once it starts drooping, I gotta give it some real coaxing to get it back to its awe-inspiring pointy self!

You see, mustaches get depressed pretty easily.  If you wanna have a good mustache, you gotta sweet-talk it!  Waluigi’s mustache especially has a tough time sleeping, and almost always wakes up unhappy.  So I just tell it “Hey, don’t-a you worry!  You on the face of none other than Waluigi!  Nobody else-a mustache got anything on you!”  And presto!

Waluigi mustache as good as new!  Hey-hey! 

Take good care of your mustaches, boys and girls!  A happy mustache gonna go a long way!

Grr…  Left out of Mario Kart 7?!  Bah!  You wanna know-a the truth?! 

EVERYBODY shoulda been left out of Mario Kart 7!  See, the day before the big race, we all ended up ina jail!

You see, Moronio over there had decided to throw one of his parties.  Waluigi was there of course, being the life of the party as usual.  But then some worth-for-nothing neighbors apparently thought things got out of hand after they heard an explosion or twelve, which by the way, wouldn’t have even happened if that oogly Luigi hadn’t distracted me… 

Anyway, the end result is that we all got hauled downtown.

So why were all those losers and Wario in Mario Kart 7, you ask?  Well, the answer’s simple.  They’re all lousy stinking CHEATERS!  Mario, he told-a the judges that he’d rescued the Mushroom Kingdom so many times that he didn’t deserve to be behind bars with the rest of us!  And the so-called “justice” system wasn’t willing to take the heat for imprisoning royalty like Peach, much less a foreign monarch like Daisy.  Yoshi?  They decided since he wasn’t a human or a mushroom, he couldn’t be held accountable for his actions.  Toad, he got out on some kind of technicality about Mushroom Retainers and boring legal stuff.  And that Wario, he’s-a so stinking rich, he just bought his way out of jail!

Oh, and Luigi?  Mr. Eyeballs himself?  He was the worst of all!  He just told them Waluigi was responsible for the explosion!  I told-a you before, it was all his fault!  Waaah!

Waluigi was all alone in jail on the day of the race!  All because everybody cheated!  Next time I cheat!!